Your eyes bloodshot you know, but yet
The dark ruler commends those who are set, She grins living for your lucid soul. I pull up a pew, pretend
to be with your life’s blood. I scrape of my chair on the floors of tears, fold myself into the wall. She’s pulling me fading slowly, a simple lighthouse of regular light has dimmed waiting for her to let me go. Reach your hand out understand me now, as I mean no harm. I need your lustre and your glorious touch. Reach.
Hello Darkness My Old Friend….
Hello darkness my old friend. I am tired of looking after this place, the place of my mind. Its like this for me, when I'm not in it I don't remember it. I remember its bad, I remember the darkness, but its — different to feel it again. Its the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking through the door. Being inside it again, feeling it.
When the episode starts, it can be so slow at first. An intrusive thought that I don't want to be here but then its gone again. You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell. When it hits you fully though when you’re really in it, its everything. Its who you are, you're nothing else.
On the outside you look the same, smiling and pretending. It is so much work, draining yet you keep up appearance. When you let your guard down the outsiders take you for all you have left, every mistake you have made, everything you do, your happiness and desires. They ask for their approval before you can approve yourself. They take without knowing. Gone just like that. I have always wondered why be nice, why open up, why allow them to do that. Thought I was strong. It will always by my fault in the end.
On the inside, its a different story. You start to hate yourself you feel so alone when you just wanted understanding, want to be yourself. Even when others say “I'm here for you”. No they are not. They are here for the external self not the internal that matters, that matters to you. You could be with someone you love, you try hard but your not really with them, for a while yes, then you end up alone even though you are right there. We think we know what's going on with other people, but we don't, You never really know what's going on inside of someone else’s mind. Everyone's fighting a battle you cant see. We all have blind spots, Some worse than the others.
At all points you know that you try so hard, you tread on broken glass to do right by others whilst putting you aside, you try hard. Eyes see you. Your voice screaming it to the world..the universe. “is something wrong me”! and its also exhausting and helplessness you're sets in. So damb shitty and exhausting, Its a void and its existing, it takes so much energy, you wanna sink into a wall of nothing pulled away where no-one talks to you and you don't have to smile, talk or be.
Its just so familiar, been here so many times. I have climbed out of it before, but the getting out is the part where it becomes the room, the wall that you remember, and that's what's scary.
To those who suffer from any mental illness.
Let you be heard and understood….
TW -x
